Yes, that's a throwback to my teens. I will admit that I liked them, but that 's not what I want to talk about today. I've had something on my mind for a while and I have to talk about it. Being 30 has made me think a lot about change. When I was younger I hated change, but the older I get the more I begin to grasp change and look forward to it.
A few months ago I changed something in my life that I am still adjusting to. For much of my twenties I dated the same person and even after the relationship ended we remained friends. However, as time went on (years) we grew apart, but not in the way you would normally think. It wasn't one of those things where each person has different interests and moves on. It more became an issue of one poking at the other, perhaps out of jealousy. We would want to talk and see each other and it just became difficult. However, a few months ago we stopped talking all together. At first I didn't do it on purpose. I was working a lot and after a few days I realized I hadn't talked to him in a while. Then I started doing it on purpose. I felt that if he wanted to talk to me he would call me. I had done my part for years and years and if he wanted to talk to me he would. After that it became stubbornness. Both of us are equally stubborn and I am sure he thought the same thing I did.
It has been almost three months and as time goes on it becomes both easier and harder. I know how crazy that sounds, but it's the truth. Most days I feel like this was inevitable--healthy. I firmly believe that people come in and out of your life for a reason, but I don't know that I saw our friendship ending in this way. Some days it is difficult. There are things that I see or that I think about and I want to tell him about it. There are inside jokes that only he and I would understand. I see something and it will jog a memory and I will pick up the phone to text him, and then realize we aren't talking. This is in no way one of those "I love him and miss him blah blah blah" things. It is about understanding the purpose that people play in my life. It is about the changes that must occur for the things I want in my life to happen. I have known for a long time that there are certain things in my life that hold me back from grand adventures. The whole point of this year is about doing the things that I want to do and overcoming the things that hold me back.
I have come to realize that it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday . . . but I know that saying goodbye creates opportunities to say hello.
That last statement is one of the best blog lines I've read in a long time. Thank you.. And know that I'm thinking of you. :)
ReplyDeleteI think that this is a very healthy way to look at the situation.
ReplyDeleteI had one of those friends, too. As much as you care about that person, part of you will always know that holding onto them will essentially be holding you back. For me, having that close friend in my life meant that I would unconsciously sabotage every relationship I was in. Maybe in the hope that we could be together, as improbable as that way.
Missing that person can happen a lot. My friend and I talk a little sometimes, but it's very infrequent. The relationship has changed dramatically, and we're both aware of it.
I too had to let go to get better. It's sad to see you having to deal with it, too, but it's also encouraging to know that it can be done.